18 December 2017

Morning Light



My favorite old books- Wuthering Heights, The White Album, Z for Zachariah, The Metamorphosis, Redwall








I have never lived a year without winter. It is my time of rebalance and stabilization, where I grow closer to the center. I read an astrological belief somewhere that the season you are born into is your root, your happiness, so maybe that is true for all. I might just be winter. 
*
Ben and I finished watching Stranger Things season two and it was fine. We watced Dark and that shook me. I had rolling chills for most of the episodes and the consistent feeling that the world is so far out of reach, that we are small and insignificant, but that doesn't take away from the enormity of our presences here. I want people to watch it so I can talk about it with them, but it feels like recommending the Bible. It's so, so much. 
*
I think about God a lot, what that means to me and how I can apply it to my life. I think that I am spiritual and that maybe I understand it all, just deeper than I would have before. I watch Jim & Andy and Jim Carey's words almost scare me. He mixes Catholicism and psychic experiences and his empathetic abilities and the universe's intended happenstance and I found myself staring at the screen like yes yes yes all of that, me too. 
*
I get a surgery that is minor, but necessary. Something physical happened to my body in my grief and my mind could not ignore it for long. I have to spend hundreds of dollars to fix it, but I want it to be fixed. I don't want to part with the money, but I don't need it either. Ben and I start cheersing to our health which is what most cheers translate to, but we say it in English. 
*
I write to Lena Dunham on instagram and as she writes back, I am invited to my ten year high school reunion. The two notifications appear in the same moment and it takes me days to wring the anxiety off me. I think at first I won't go to the reunion, but then I think that maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I don't think I'd recognize so many people, but the worry is probably that they wouldn't recognize me. 
*
Things don't hurt so much these days. But I wish I could sink the entirety of Christmas into a black hole and never look at it again. Just this Christmas. Just one black hole. Just one memory erased. 
I buy everyone I know gifts. I spend more money than I ever have. I wrap them in paper and they sit in my living room, for now. 


06 December 2017

27 Things Learned in my 27th Year


  1. It's all genetics. Don't read too much into makeup blogs or seek other people's advice. Nothing realistically helps that much. Everything on your face chills out in your late 20's so just enjoy it. Stop sitting on your sink every Sunday night and picking at your pores. 
  2. If you don't know what to order at a bar, order gin. You can drink gin forever. 
  3. If you have an impulse, fight it. Wait to do everything. Going with your gut is not your strength. 
  4. Don't sit so much while you work. 
  5. The way you treat people makes a much more lasting impression than what you say to them. Warm up. 
  6. Any fight you are involved in is in some way-big or small- partially your fault. Realize this and root yourself in that. 
  7. You have quirks, but you also have obsessive compulsive disorder. It is okay, but also realize that your non-stop cleaning and arranging are beyond your control and not funny or annoying. They are apart of your overall person and you can learn to live with them. 
  8. Highlights will make you feel better. 
  9. When in doubt, repeat: "You have nothing to fear, but fear itself" over and over until you believe it. 
  10. You can live through any amount of pain. There is another side to the mountain, wall, tidal wave you are staring up at. You have every tool you need and you will develop the rest on your way. There is only way to go and that is forward, up, and through. 
  11. There is a God and it is bigger and trippier than you can comprehend, but the journey to understanding your spiritual self is a good and necessary road you will need to walk down. And walk that road by yourself. 
  12. Don't think that you could have stopped something that happened. It happened because it was always going to happen. You have no power over anything.
  13. If you feel love for someone, text them that instant. Do not wait to tell anyone anything. 
  14. People will vulture around your grief. Do not give them that satisfaction. 
  15. If you don't like a TV show after three episodes, stop watching it. 
  16. Your mother is the coolest woman alive and if you are ever bored ask her what you should watch or read because she has the best taste. 
  17. Understand that just because your dad died doesn't mean that only your dad died. A lot of people lost someone that night and acknowledging their grief will help your own in some weird way.
  18. Your cousins will help you in every way that you need help. 
  19. The story of all your friends dropping out of college to join a cult and not even inviting you is a fail safe in any social situtation. Your memorized facts about D-Day don't land as well no matter how hard you try. 
  20. Nobody cares what anyone else did when they were on acid. Those are dumb stories to both tell and hear. 
  21. You don't like crowds so stop going to places where there are crowds. It doesn't make any sense. 
  22. Astrology makes sense. 
  23. Don't get excited if your favorite director/writer/band is coming out with something new. By the time they are your favorite, they are mostly out of good ideas. 
  24. Don't tell your friends what you think they want to hear. Give them real advice if you really care about them. Don't be friends with people you don't care about. 
  25. Hold yourself to a high standard and don't let yourself dip below that for more than a couple hours. Even when it hurts. Even when you think you can't. If you call off work too much, you will never go back. If you keep cancelling dinner, you will never end up going. If you say no's, they won't turn into yes's. Take care of yourself, but don't let yourself get lost. Be a real person.
  26. If you think someone does not deserve your compassion, be even more compassionate towards them. They most likely need it the most. 
  27. On March 18th when you wake up at 1 pm and call your mom to talk shit about your old boss, don't tell her about the concert you went to the night before with your brother and husband. Ask if you can talk to your dad and tell him about the pizza and the Irish song and how cool the Aragon is and ask him what shows he's seen there. Tell him you love him and that you thought about him during the show and you're glad that he helped you love music so much even if you liked such different stuff. Tell him you're happy for every characteristic you share with him. Tell him you're grateful he's your dad. 

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